A Lesson on Boundaries
My 10 year old was the teacher
If you’re like me and struggle with setting boundaries because you don’t want to be “rude”, I think I know why. We were probably told as children over and over, not to set boundaries. Maybe not in those words, but in other ways. The obvious one is being forced to share. Sharing is not always caring, it's often people pleasing behavior. My son made me aware of another way I was unintentionally reinforcing people pleasing.
His homeschool friends were coming over to our house for the second week in a row. He walked out of his room and announced “ Mom, I made a list of rules”. I had a visceral reaction. My stomach turned and I instantly tried to dissuade him. “Eli, what did you write? Does it sound rude or bossy?” I immediately assumed it would come off as entitled. I should have had a little faith. Here was his list. (Also transcribed for easier reading)
Transcribed
Rules
-Rule 1 if you are done with something, clean it up (I will help)
-Rule 2 Read the “Do Not Touch” signs
-Rule 3 No food or drinks downstairs without permission
-Rule 4 Christmas tree is out of bounds (as in leave it alone)
-Rule 5 Please don’t be a sore loser or winner, like me
-Rule 6 NO Argueing… Please
-Rule 7 Have Fun!!
I was both absolutely proud of his list and equally ashamed of how much I doubted his intentions. He used language that showed he was intentionally aware of how it would make his friends feel . “ I will help” after clean up. Ending with “Have fun” as a rule melted my heart. The part of my brain conditioned to “sharing is caring” was a bit worried about rule 2 “Read the ‘Do Not Touch’ signs.” It could also be because I am naturally giving like my momma. Mi casa es su casa is a lifestyle for me. So I inspected the signs, and again, he made me proud. He only placed “Do Not Touch” signs on his keyboard piano, and his gallery wall with his art and Taekwondo belts. Those are very reasonable boundaries.
Another thing I immediately noticed is that he was just reinforcing house rules. No food or drinks downstairs (without permission since sometimes I allow him to bend that rule). My Christmas tree is off limits, I love this so much. I have made a lot of sacrifices as a mom. But my Christmas tree is mine. Sorry not sorry. It’s not a family project. I’m often humbled by my toddler, but that’s another story.
This was a reminder that parenting your children allows you to also reparent yourself. Our children are wonderful mirrors and wonderful teachers in their own ways. Their innocence and lack of social conditioning allows us to see ourselves through new lenses. This also allows us the perspective to give ourselves grace. We weren't born people pleasers, so get back to little you.
