My Children all Know a Different Version of Me

Their age gap and diverse needs are pulling me in a million different ways

Motherhood shocked my system in a way I could have never imagined. I was a free spirited party girl that had hopes of traveling and adventuring the world. I had no shame in deeming myself too selfish to cater to the needs of a helpless child that would need me to literally survive. I would wake up from a night of drinking and think to myself “imagine if there was a child counting on me for breakfast right now?” Hell no. This was back when I looked at teen moms with judgement, confusion, and assumed they all regretted their choice to miss out on college parties (I was so naive). So of course an unplanned pregnancy at 23 years old while I was a college dropout was a gut punch. I also happened to give birth to a child that would test my patients, push my limits, cry all night, and find the terrible twos way before turning 2. A child that would be expelled from daycare and delivered the best (worst) temper tantrums. He was almost an only child. 

Yet 5 years happily into our marriage after contemplating being one and done, we decided to grow our family. Our sons are 8 years apart. 2 years later, we welcomed a baby girl. Right now I have an 11 year old who is homeschooled, a 3 year old on the autism spectrum that is mostly non-verbal, and a 14 month old baby girl. Their needs are vastly different both because of age and disability. One is navigating how to build and maintain friends as a homeschooler, one is receiving speech therapy weekly, and the other is just... there? 

You know all the stereotypes about the middle child? Our youngest has been getting middle child treatment unintentionally, despite being the only girl. I am deeply ashamed yet find myself with no other choice. She is the “easiest” of my three children so far. As long as she is fed and clean she is chilling. Meanwhile my 11 year old needs structure, redirecting, words of affirmation, physical touch, and talks more than his momma. My three year old is unable to communicate his needs so a huge chunk of my mental load is being intune with him. I have to anticipate and prepare for his wants and needs all day. I have to plan everything around his services. He is also an eloper(an individual with autism that leaves a safe or supervised area without permission or awareness) So I have to make choices on where we go as a family based on my ability to keep him safely contained. 

I have to make sure my 11 year old is socializing and doing age appropriate things, while also remembering to do the same for the littles. Today a mom said to me “wow you and your husband do well with making sure Eli has his time despite having younger siblings.” I immediately said “thank you, but it is so hard.” I also then realized, although we are succeeding in this area with Eli. We are failing with our littles. 

Worth it all

The Whiteman Family

I have no insight or solution just yet. Like always, the universe will align and I will find a village of littles for my babies.